Letters For Us
by Drowsy Euphoria
Summary: Hazel finds comfort in writing letters back to Augustus... So much so that she fails to notice the new little life sparking within her. Hazel soon finds herself pregnant with a dead man's child.
1. Chapter 1

**Letters For Us**

**Chapter One**

"Maybe, you should write him back."

"...What?"

"He wrote you one last letter, even if it wasn't sent directly to you, it was still about you. Maybe if you wrote him one last letter, it might give you some closure. "

Issac's idea had seemed absurd at first, but I considered it. Ever since Augustus died, I had seemed ill. It had made me feel so happy and at peace after I read the letter he wrote to Van Houten about me at first. But it only made me miss him more. It only made me miss his poetic words so much more then. I spent countless nights crying in my room, the pain of having lost him all too great.

I didn't want to do anything anymore. I didn't want to watch ANTM, I didn't want to read An Imperial Infliction, I didn't want to do any of the things that had made my life worth living before Augustus.

So, I decided to take Issac up on his suggestion. I wrote to my dead boyfriend.

_Dear Augustus,_

_Maybe this will give me closure like Issac said, I'm not too sure. But, I just guess I never got to say how much I loved you. Or maybe I did. I honestly don't remember any more. It's been so hard without you this past while, I'm not even sure how I've made it. I know that sounds so sappy, but it's been rough for me. You meant so much to me and brightened up my worthless little life. I love you, Augustus. I love you more than all than infinity. I love you more than oblivion itself. I love you, Augustus Waters, and I so dearly wish I could have you back._

_Sincerely, Hazel_

Surprisingly, writing that letter to him made me feel like a great weight had been lifted off my chest. I let out a deep sigh, shuddering as I did. What was I supposed to do with this letter now? Take it to his grave? Anyone could come by and read it. I decided to just put it away for the time being and figure out what to do with it later. I folded it in half and placed it in my desk drawer. It made me feel more calm, maybe somehow thinking that Gus had read that letter as I wrote. I wasn't sure why it helped so much, but it got the feelings out. It made me feel at peace again.

* * *

Remember before when I said I seemed ill after reading Augustus' letter? I had been referring to my depression I guess, but now it seems I wasn't joking. Yes, of course I still have cancer, but, it doesn't seem to be too bothersome as of late. But, I don't think what's happening now is a cancer side affect. In fact, it isn't. I know it isn't. I've had cancer since I was 13, and puking nearly every morning isn't the normal side effect for me. I began getting sick sometimes in the middle of the night or in the mornings. It was a little concerning, but I had refused to eat a few times, maybe the change in my digestion schedule upset my stomach. That's the conclusion I had come to. Though, that conclusion was wiped away when I finally noticed the lack of my monthly bleeding. I noticed that I was late. Very late. I hadn't even been keeping up with my menstrual for the past month or so. I just hadn't paid that much attention... I was surprised that I hadn't noticed sooner, but maybe my fits of crying and despair had kept me from noticing. But since I wrote my letter to Augustus, I've been better, and maybe that's what helped me notice.

This morning at about 4 A.M. was incredibly grueling as I awoke with the putrid acid rising in my throat. I was able to quickly disconnect from my machines and rush to the bathroom as quickly as I could. It burned so bad. The vomit flowed from my mouth in a disgusting rush, burning it's awful tastes as it did. After about 15 minutes slumped over the toilet, I finally managed the strength to haul myself from the cold, bathroom floor. I used the counter top on the sink to get up, trying to steady myself over it. I was still very shaky from the pains of hacking up bile and forcing it out of me. My hands were shaking wildly, but I ignored it as I turned the faucet and let the water run. I splashed some water into my face, then washed my mouth out. I would have brushed my teeth too, but I didn't want to spend any more time in the bathroom, fearing I had woke up my parents already.

Yes, the idea had already crossed my mind... But, it couldn't be possible. Not at all... I had only done that once. One time, and that was months ago... months... But how many months... Oh God... 2 or 3 months... Maybe I am, maybe the symptoms are just setting in... Sometimes morning sickness doesn't happen for a few months...

Oh God...

What if I'm pregnant..?

...and what if it's Augustus' child?


	2. Chapter 2

**Letters For Us**

**Chapter Two**

I honestly couldn't form any coherent thoughts now. I couldn't believe this at all. How could I have let this happen?! How?! I already have cancer, now I have something else to weigh down on my health... I shouldn't have let this happen, we should have been more careful! This kid probably won't even make it to the fifth month without problems from my stupid body and my stupid cancer...

I felt my emotions swarm in a storm inside of me. I started to think of Augustus... How he would have wanted to know... How he would have been such a good dad... Then I started to think about how many problems I'll have, and this kid will have too... I'll put it through hell, and it probably won't even survive! As all these thoughts hit me at once, I started to break down, right there at the bathroom sink. Face red, eyes puffy, hot tears streaming down my cold cheeks, and my throat feeling like it had an awful lump in it as my emotions flew at me. My choked gasps for air as I struggled to breathe from my sobbing where very loud, and suddenly I feared of waking my parents.

Oh God, what would they think?! They-They'd be horrified... Maybe.. I wasn't quite sure as to how they'd react at all. Would they be happy? Sad? Angry? I had no idea at all. I could vaguely see my mom as being happy at the thought of having a grandchild, but she'd immediately think of my health and the strain it'd put on me... I didn't know about dad. He was a crybaby, he'd be in worse tears than I was now...

Oh hell, what am I saying. I don't even know if I am or not... I could always just be sick... And, maybe, my medication has been messing with my hormones and such... It's happened a few times before, but it usually only made it about a week or two off, not a few months... Christ, I was absolutely sure. I was pregnant. I knew it, there was no second guessing here. I was pregnant with a dead man's child.

I was able to stop my tears and calm down for a few minutes. I took a few deep breaths (proving to be a little difficult from my shitty lungs) and looked at myself in the mirror.

Hazel Grace, what have you done? I thought as I laid a hand on my abdomen where the almost-definite-child of Augustus Waters laid.

* * *

**_I apologize for this extremely short chapter, I have big plans for this story! I've just been so busy lately, getting out of school and moving across the country has been a bit stressful! I'll try and keep to this fic, though I do have so many fanfics I'm juggling at the moment, a lot of them on hold or hiatus. Though, please please please review and tell me what you all think so far :) I've seen quite a few fanfics where Hazel has gotten pregnant on this site so far, though, when I started this, I went ahead and checked to see if there were any, and I saw none! But that was a month ago... Maybe I helped start the pregnant Hazel rebellion ;)_**

**_ANYways, review, and I love all of you who have so far, it really means a lot to me, and please do keep reviewing! Tell me what you think! Comments, thoughts, or suggestions, whatever you'd all like!_**

**_Also, excuse any spelling or grammar errors, I typed this when I was especially tired, but I did double check it, and I didn't find any errors, but, maybe I missed some. I dunno. I talk too much, don't I? Yeah, I do. Okay, I better stop before this author's note is longer than the tiny bit of fic itself. I promise a longer chapter next time!_**

**_Adios!~Love you guys! _**


	3. Chapter 3

**Letters For Us**

**Chapter Three**

"I wrote back to him."

"What?"

"I did what you said, and returned the letter."

Issac had a look of concentration placed upon his face as his thoughts processed the information. "That's great!" he replied in a chipper voice after a few seconds.

I nodded slowly, though, I knew he wouldn't see that. Sometimes I forgot he couldn't see me… Or, maybe that was just me being consumed by my own thoughts and such to remember things like that. I should be able to remember Issac is blind, and I have. Just, recently, it's been hard to. It's been very hard to remember anything lately.

Maybe it was because there was so much on my mind.

Like the fact that I was most definitely pregnant.

It was a week later, and my symptoms hadn't let up. Like clockwork, I was in the bathroom vomiting up the contents of my stomach every morning. Now, it wasn't only that, but I could smell things. A lot of things. Smells that hadn't bothered me before were now nauseating to me. Mom's perfume, Dad's deodorant and cologne… Hell, even some smells in Issac's room had nearly triggered my gag reflex. In researching my condition online, I found that this was common in pregnant women… Which only further assured me that Augustus' child was now growing inside of me.

To my relief, my parents hadn't noticed anything yet. I managed to keep my vomit contained when I smelled something foul within my home... Then I would promptly say I needed to get something from my room as I snuck into the bathroom and threw up. It was quite the tedious process, and I hated it. But, it was actually becoming quite normal now. It felt normal to feel that awful feeling rising in my throat now and having a heightened sense of smell everywhere I went. In the weeks this had all gone on, maybe I was just becoming so used to and adjusted to it…

I considered telling Issac about it. Honestly, he was the only friend I had left, and the only one I could tell. I felt like I needed some form of closure and support in my situation. A cancer patient pregnant with a dead man's child... Anyone would think I was reckless and stupid. That I shouldn't have taken the risk and had sex anyways. That we should have used protection. (Which we did, but apparently that didn't work… Damn lousy condom…) And that I wouldn't survive in my condition, and nor would the child…

Well you know what? Screw them. Screw anyone who thought that, because I already felt all that guilt bearing down upon me. No one can blame me for having sex probably the first and only time I ever will in my life. Just because I have cancer doesn't mean I'm not a sex craving, hormone filled teenager. Yes, this was irresponsible, but I would give anything to be with Augustus again and pulled against his warm embrace. Did I regret it? No. I didn't. Sharing the beautiful moments with Augustus had been wonderful, and quite frankly, the happiest time in my life. Of course, it had led me to my predicament now… Pregnancy. But did I regret it? Not at all.

Back onto the topic of telling Issac… I actually had wanted to. I felt he would be very understanding and support me in this… And maybe it was a rash decision, but I decided I wanted him there when I found out if I was actually pregnant.

"Issac, come on. We gotta go to the store." I said, grabbing gently at his hand and standing up from his sofa.

"What? Why? What for?" he questioned as he stayed put on the couch, trying to figure out what was going on, and why I had so suddenly suggested this.

"We have to get something. Come with me." I repeated, tugging at his hand.

He sat there for a moment in silence, thinking to himself, but he finally decided to agree with a simple, "Okay." and got up from the couch. We both got into my car and buckled up. I drove us to the nearest gas station, which would most likely have pregnancy tests.

As I drove, we sat in complete silence. I knew he wanted to ask what was going on and why we were just going to the store so randomly… But he kept his mouth shut. His questions would be answered with dear time.

We pulled into the parking lot, and I parked in the closest spot to the store and unbuckled hastily.

"Stay here, alright? I have to get something."

"You really think I could go anywhere?"

"Good point." I replied as I got out of the car and headed into the store.

It was the middle of the day, around noon as I entered the store. For some reason, I pictured this scenario quite differently. I pictured myself sneaking out of the house at night and going into the store when it was nearly empty, and the outside world surrounded it in the darkness of the night, while the white, brightness of the store stung and hurt the human eye upon glance, and for the constant buzzing of the awful lights to fill and ring in my ears… Maybe that was just how it happened on television… Damn, I watch too much TLC…

Now, the sun was shining and filling the windows of the store with gleams of sunlight, and four or five other civilians inhabited the store, aside from the cashier. I couldn't help but feel some fear and nervousness fall and wash over me as I entered. I had grown accustomed to the staring that came with me having cancer and a nose cannula being a large distraction on my face... But suddenly I felt everyone's impending stares now, and they were purely terrifying. Perhaps it was the fact that I was about to buy a pregnancy test, and would receive more stares and even more judgement…

As I explored the aisles, I managed to find the tests I desired placed on the back wall. To my terror, there was another woman back there. She looked around 30 years old, and was examining the prenatal vitamins, a gentle hand on her pregnant stomach. As I approached the aisle quietly, I tensed up, feeling nervous and frightened. I looked at the rows and rows of different tests, trying to pick and choose which would be best. Fuck it, none of that mattered, a pregnancy test was a pregnancy test, no matter the brand. I reached out and grabbed the cheapest box of tests I saw, and quickly started walking towards the cash register. I managed a glance over my shoulder back at the woman, and her expression nearly destroyed all confidence I had. She looked utterly shocked at seeing the cancerous teenage girl buying a pregnancy test. As if my life hadn't been screwed enough already, I had to go and do this. Maybe she thought I was ignorant and stupid, or maybe she had pity for me, I'd never know, and I tried my best not to care about the thoughts of random strangers.

My cashier was a middle-aged African-American woman, with her long, messy dreads tied up into a ponytail. As she greeted me happily, I gave her a polite nod, and placed the box on the counter. Immediately, I saw her cheerful expression drop, and she turned silent, and quickly completed the transaction. "Have a nice day." she told me, voice sounding low, depressed and pitiful. This woman felt bad for me of course, you could hear it in her voice.

This obviously didn't change the situation for me as I grabbed my box and headed out the door.

* * *

**_I'm so sorry guys. I've just had so much crap going on in my life... Ugh. _**

**_Tell me if you see any grammatical errors please, and let me know so I can fix them. I love you guys 3_**


	4. Chapter 4

**Letters For Us**

**Chapter Four**

Peeing in a cup is harder than you'd think. You have to either crouch and hover above the toilet seat and hold the cup in place under you, or completely take off your pants and underwear and just pee over the tiny cup standing up, which results in a sticky, piss covered bathroom floor. I tried both of these methods and missed a few times. On the third attempt, I managed to actually get some piss in the damn thing.

It was one of the cheaper brands too, which took five freaking minutes rather than three. This left me in the predicament of waiting in Issac's bathroom for the longest five minutes of my life after I had dipped the pregnancy test into the cup. I was positive he was a little concerned about how long I was taking, hell, anyone would be. I spent a good ten minutes trying to pee in the cup, another good eight trying to clean up my piss off the bathroom floor and toilet seat, and the last five waiting for the test to give me an answer. Though, for now, maybe he thought I was on my period or something as I was taking an insane amount of time in the restroom. And if my suspicions were correct, I wouldn't be having any more of those anytime soon…

It had been a pretty silent drive back to his house, neither of us saying a word to each other. The only sound that had been heard was the constant rattling of the many tests in the box, which I was hoping dearly Issac wouldn't recognize. Luckily, he didn't. I think he knew it was a serious matter as he didn't say a word, when he usually would have made a few wisecracks to make me laugh. But no, he was quiet this time.

Oh, how I wondered what he would think. Obviously, he wasn't the father of my maybe-existent-child, and I wasn't going to expect him to react like a soon-to-be-dad would. Though, just maybe he would be a little happy for me. Or sad at how it would alter my life and how it could put a strain on my health, and how it could kill me. Maybe a little hopeful the baby would turn out to be a carbon copy of Gus, or better yet, a cyborg clone of him implanted in my uterus.

As I stared at the clock, I suddenly realized the five minutes were up. I scrambled for the pregnancy test box hurriedly, looking for the directions. On the backside of the box, it said,

_"Blue Minus = Negative, Pink Plus = Positive!"_

Blue is no, pink is yes… Those words repeated in my head for the longest time, over and over again until I felt dizzy as I prepared for the confirmation of the answer I already knew. Or, perhaps the dizzy spell was from how fast my heart rate was from my nervousness... As I slowly put down the box, I glanced at the small pen laying flat of the bathroom sink top. Everything seemed to move so slowly, my mind numbing at the speed the world was moving, everything in slow motion. I was reaching for the test, my eyes searching for the answer. Though, in seconds, my eyes found what I was looking for, and what I was fearfully dreading. My heart nearly dropped into the pits of my stomach as I laid my eyes on the _tiny, pink, cross._


	5. Chapter 5

**Letters For Us**

**Chapter Five**

"You okay? I thought you had lung problems, not urinary ones." Issac greeted as I entered back into his room, my hands clenched tightly around the pregnancy test, which had just confirmed my suspicions.

I had wiped it off and held it under the faucet for a few minutes, making sure it was urine-free before I told Issac the big news by handing it to him. That was a stupid idea, but maybe he'd understand just by feeling it. Oh, probably not... He's blind, he won't be able to see it. He's probably never held a pregnancy test in his life either... This is all so ridiculously stupid. I groaned inwardly to myself as I clutched the pen tighter and sat down next to Issac on his bed. "...Yeah, I'm fine." I responded quietly. It seemed to get him to perk up more, moving his head towards where I was and looking oddly confused. "You okay? You sound kinda scared."

"About that," I started, breathing in shakily. "There's... There's something I need to tell you."

Oh god, this is it. I have to tell him. Why do I have to tell him? Because he's the only friend I've got, that's why! He wouldn't know the difference if I didn't come out with it. He can't see, he wouldn't be able to see my changing shape in a couple of months! Hazel, you're being ridiculous, just get on with it!

"Yeah? What is it?" Issac questioned, appearing attentive towards me and what I had to say.

I felt my throat clenching up in fear and dread. This is _it. I gotta tell him._ My whole body tensed up as I squeezed the pregnancy test in my hands one last time in slight reassurance. Slowly, I reached over and placed the pen in Issac's hands. I wondered if he could feel me shaking or not. Probably. It was painfully obvious as my hands twitched with the anxiety I had built up with the war of emotions flowing through my mind.

Issac felt the test in his hands, fingers moving over it, trying to figure out what it was. After a few seconds of watching the gears turn in his head, he answered. "This feels like a thermometer. Why'd you give me this? I thought you were gonna tell me something." Again, I felt the fear eating away at me. Of course he wouldn't have figured that out. It was a silly idea in the first place! C'mon, Hazel, just tell him!

"It's not a thermometer." I said after a moment after carefully deciding what to say. I was just stalling now, wasn't I?

"Okay... What is it then? I can't figure it out." Issac answered, laughing a little. His lighthearted humor comforted me slightly, and maybe that was what gave me the courage to go ahead and say it.

"I'm pregnant." I said quickly, nearly blurting it, just eager to say it and get it over with. The second those words escaped past my lips, I froze. Just hearing that out loud for the first time _terrified me. _All at once, it was becoming too real.

It was silent for what felt like millenniums, the quiet of the room tearing at my wall of stability, and I found myself with teary eyes and that awful, choking feeling in my throat once more. It was hard to see any change in Issac's expression, given the sunglasses, but still. He didn't move and didn't say a word for what felt like the longest time. Perhaps it was seconds, perhaps it was minutes, or even longer. I wasn't sure. I was just focused on not bursting into tears right then and there.

I could nearly see him putting the puzzle pieces together in his mind. _Augustus... Hazel... Pregnant Hazel... Augustus' child..._ Issac was smart enough to figure that out, and he did. Right in the middle of that deafening silence, he moved forward, closer to me. His hands dropped the pregnancy test and reached for my shoulders. He had to feel around for a moment to make sure he wasn't about to bump into me roughly. Thankfully, he didn't, and he wrapped his arms around me and pulled me into a gentle hug.

I couldn't hold it together any longer. The moment I felt his warm embrace around my body, I broke. A noise escaped my throat, a built up, frightened noise of anguish. A _whimper. _How embarrassed I would have been at any other moment, but now, I just couldn't bring myself to care enough about appearances or anything as stupid and simple as that. I couldn't have cared less about what anyone thought of me crying. I was_ sobbing. _Completely sobbing, eyes and nose red, tears running down my puffy cheeks and more cries and whimpers racing from my lips.

Issac didn't say a word, all he did was hold me. He did this because he _knew_. He knew the situation already, and I doubted anyone could find any words to express their sorrow or pity towards me in a manner they deemed respectful. A cancer patient pregnant with a dead man's child. A teenage cancer patient at that. It was nearly a death sentence in the making. Issac understood, he understood it was best to just not say anything. And honestly, I needed that. I needed to be held and comforted like this. I didn't need someone giving me false reassurance like my mother would. I knew it wasn't all going to be okay, because it wasn't. I didn't need that bullshit. All I needed was _this. _


	6. Goodbye

I'm officially leaving . Sorry to leave so long without any update or word about what's going on with me. I'm pretty sure I haven't updated any stories in well over a year. Time to make it official that I'll no longer be writing for any of these. I mean, maybe I will one day, but for now, I think not. I just can't do it anymore. I'm discontinuing all my fanfics that were running. Again, maybe one day I'll write for them, but I'm so scared to now. I can't even log onto this account or think about these stories without crying. I'm very sorry to everyone who has loyally followed and reviewed my stories, I love all of you and thank you.

Goodbye.


	7. An Apology

Alright, let me just say, _wow. _I'm overwhelmed by the amount of love and support you guys have thrown back at me from what I posted the other day. I know that it seemed very... Short. Not in just the length sense, but in the sense that I wrote it as if it was really a goodbye, like I'm leaving forever and that there's just a minuscule chance I may return. No, no, no. I'm so sorry that I wrote it like that and that I was so short with you. As I was writing that goodbye note, I felt an urge to write again. I've been feeling it ever since I made the decision to post that. Maybe it's just some rebellious feeling in me trying to get out, but I don't think I'm lacking motivation really. I feel like I'm scared. I didn't know how to describe what I've been feeling, the utter disgust and fear to write, the other day. But I've bothered to think a lot about it now, and honestly, I think I'm afraid. I just got too busy in my life, in school, with everything, and the usual thoughts of ideas that I had for stories started to fade away, and eventually I stopped thinking about it completely. But once it managed to slip back in my mind again months later, I felt so _afraid. _I felt like I'd lost the ability to write. And I still feel that way. I'm just so nervous and fearful to even try to start writing again. I'm afraid that the quality will be bad and not good. I always go back and reread my writing and nitpick it until it's a pile of garbage in my mind. But you know what? I'm going to try to get over that, stop judging myself so hard. You guys seem to like my stories, so I'll write to the best of my ability and leave it at that. Now, yes, this is on a very positive note compared to what I posted the other day, but please remember that I need time to get back into the swing of things. I will try to better myself and my self esteem on my work in this time, and I will hopefully start writing again very soon. Thank you all so much for the love and support you've given me. I hope to get back to you soon :)


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